A burglar was in a dark house. When he picked up the TV a voice said, "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the TV and whirled around his flashlight looking for someone without any luck. After picking up the VCR the voice said once again "Jesus is watching you." He dropped the VCR and demanded "Who said that?" A voice in the back of the room said "Me, Clarence!" He spotted a parrot with the flashlight and said, "Did you say that?" Clarence acknowledged. The burglar then asked, "Who would name a Parrot Clarence?" To which Clarence replied "The same guy who named the rottweiller Jesus!"
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Have you heard about the very short conversation that took place recently between a Masochist and a Sadist? The Masochist says to the Sadist, "Beat me!" The Sadist replies to the Masochist saying, "No!"
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A man walks into a butcher shop and saw the butcher making hamburger patties under his arm. So, he went to the Health Department to report the butcher.
The clerk at the Health Department laughed and said; "You think that's bad? You should see the guy who makes doughnuts."
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Two old guys at an old folk's home shooting the breeze. One says, "How's the memory?" The other says "Perfect, touch wood", and raps his knuckles on the table. 2 minutes go bye, and then he says "Somebody gonna get the door or what?
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| TAKE ME TO THE TOP
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An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turn s the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied "damn it! The old fart's been pissin in the ice box again!"
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied, "I've been divorced three times."
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There are three men who wanted to learn how to play golf, so they hired a golf instructor. The instructor asked the three men to hit the golf ball as far as they can. One man hit way to the right, the instructor yelled, "LOFT!" Then the second man hit it way to the left, the instructor yelled, "LOFT!" Then the third man hit the golf ball two feet ahead of him, the instructor yelled, "LOFT!" The three puzzled men asked the instructor what "LOFT" meant. The instructor simply said, "Lack of freaking talent!"
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Top 10 Reasons Computers Must Be Male
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- A better model is always just around the corner.
- They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
- It is always necessary to have a backup.
- They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
- The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
- In order to get their attention; you have to turn them on.
- The lights are on but nobody's home.
- Big power surges knock them out for the night.
- Size does matter!
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| TAKE ME HOME
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