One Liners
- The biggest surprise the average husband can give his wife on their anniversary is to remember it.
- My wife is unpredictable. She doesn't want to be reminded of her birthdays, and is disappointed when I forget them.
- Alimony is the fee you have to pay for name dropping
- Let me tell you about our guest of honor. Never has a man been more sworn at ---more spit at---more maligned---and rightfully so!
- You have a nice personality--but not for a human being.
- I solved the parking problem; I bought a parked car.
- They're called divorce suits because nothing but a divorce seems to suit.
- Love makes the world go around looking for a divorce lawyer.
They change the sheets daily---from one room to another.
TAKE ME TO THE TOP
- I worship the ground her father struck oil on.
- I finally figured out how to make a landlord paint your apartment-move out.
- My ancestors didn't come on the Mayflower--they had their own boat.
- A big family is proof that married folks love children--or something.
- I think there's insanity in my family. They keep writing me for money.
- My kid makes me wish that birth control was retroactive.
- Be kind to your mother-in-law. Baby sitters are expensive.
- My television set has only two controls: my wife and my child.
Today, if you're not confused, you are not well informed.
TAKE ME TO THE TOP
- After looking at the bill for my operation I understand why they wear masks in the operating room.
- My credit is so bad; they won't even take cash.
- One sure way to learn how to pray is to play poker.
- The best way to find a missing relative is to become a very rich.
- When money talks, all too often it says "Not Guilty".
- To save money at the movies, we buy one ticket and take turns.
- A snob is a guy who wears a riding habit to pitch horseshoes.
- Hamburger is steak that didn't pass its physical.
- What really happens if you exercise daily is that you die healthier.
I don't mind my wife walking on me, but she wears spiked heels.
TAKE ME TO THE TOP
- Middle age is when a man is as young as he feels after trying to prove it.
- The best time to give your children advice is while they are still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.
- I was teacher's pet. She couldn't afford a dog.
- The trouble with experience is that so few of us are born with it.
- The old maid sighed when she died; "Who said you can't take it with you?"
- When a man loses his heart, his head has to do double the work.
- I thought I was intelligent until I was tried by a jury of my peers
TAKE ME HOME